D. Descriptive language.
I. I – messages.
A. Ask appreciative Questions
L. Listen Actively
U. Understanding First
E. Emotional Self-Management:
Last Things, First
In calming your emotions and asking yourself a question, you become mindful in the moment.
You’ve completed the first two steps – the last letter – that are the basis of Mindful Dialogue:
E. Emotional Self-Management: Take a conscious, calming breath. Find your Adult voice. It’s the sound of Mindful Dialogue. Pause. Make a choice to focus on the here and now. Be mindful and choose to move from hot to cooler feelings.
In the process you’ve focused yourself on:
U. Understanding First: Asking before Telling. Seeking information first to fully appreciate the situation. This is the purpose and mindset of Mindful Dialogue Talk.
You’ve shifted the sound of your voice and your problem-solving mindset from critical to appreciative and prepared yourself to enact the only form of talk that’s driven by the Rider not the Elephant: the conscious talk that keeps you connected in difficult situations – and allows others to listen to you – “Mindful Dialogue” talk.
Then Get To The Heart of Matter
Since you’re seeking understanding, move to the “heart of Dialogue” by Asking Questions and Listening Actively.
A. Ask appreciative Questions. Seek others’ information, perceptions, views, ideas by asking the 4W2H questions – “Who, What, Where, When, How and How much” but not “Why?” In face-to-face talk, we have been trained since childhood to hear “Why” as the search for blame rather than information. If you want to know why something happened, start by asking how it happened, and when, etc. You’ll be able to infer the “why” as their answers flow.
Ask with the emotion of positive anticipation. Be interested. Open the door to their information.
Don’t Attack. Ask!
Even in the face of what you think of as a faulty conclusion about, or incorrect description of, a situation by another, Calm yourself and ask:
- How did you reach your conclusion?
- How do you think this will work under various conditions?
- Have you considered other aspects of the situation (that don’t seem obviousin their words)?
If their thinking is incomplete, it’ll become obvious to both of you as they respond. Then you can make your points. If they’re thinking is fine, you’ll also hear it. You then can back off gracefully (having done your due diligence, of course).
And When You Ask, Listen
L. Listen Actively: Honor them with your undivided attention and understanding feedback. Consciously work at discovering their meanings and understanding their story.
Periodically reflect their ideas in your words to show understanding: “Let me see if I have this” or “So, I heard you say…is that right? If you are in disagreement, look for implied offers, partial agreement.
When it’s your turn to speak, remember that the Elephant produces a flood of instant, past- centered judgments for you to speak as if you were talking about what’s going on in front of you. Stop. Remember, from the previous post, our Rider-focusing question, “What’s really going on here?” In that phrase, here is the operative word. Wake up and use present-centered, Descriptive, I-messages.
D. Descriptive language. No judgment. You assume as little as possible as you describe the data you see and hear. Present the situation or the “facts” as you understand them – in neutral language – “This is how it looks to me…” by using:
I. I-messages. Make non-judgmental, descriptive statements of your story – your perceptions, feelings, and thoughts (I see, I hear, I feel, I think) – and your desired outcomes. Say what you want to happen (I need… or I prefer… )
Remember, the key phrase that drives control talk is “You are…” The only problem is that you can’t possibly know how other people really “are” but only how you see and feel them – so say only that. “When I see you do…or hear you say, I think…” Avoid the judgments, “You are…” and “You always or never…”
Descriptive I-messages also help us to avoid sweeping judgments about situations, as well. You can’t know how things “really are”, you can only give your opinion, so say exactly that: “I think…” “In my opinion…” No more: “This is the way it is” statements.”
Finally, when appropriate use the form of descriptive I-messages that describe your perceptions of their situation or the situation you find yourself in – an Open Acknowledgement.
O. Open Acknowledgement: Use Descriptive “I-messages” to recognize their story, concerns or feelings – “I hear what you’re saying…” or the situation you both share: “I can see what’s going on…” or “This is a difficult one…” or validate their reactions: “If I had been in your situation, I would have felt the same way.” Build bridges by showing understanding.
G. Genuine Support: Affirm the other’s right to disagree and see things differently. Support the other’s efforts to resolve. Affirm the other person’s humanity. Complement – appreciate – them for good work when appropriate.
Using Mindful Dialogue, you make conscious choices about what to do and say next in response to the other, because you have chosen to pay attention to what’s happening right in front of you.
The elements of Dialogue talk are often presented as separate techniques to improve communication; however, when people learn them like that, they can’t remember where and when to use them. I’ve found that the Dialogue acronym makes them easier to remember and permits the creation of easily understood guidelines to follow in difficult moments.
Behind the techniques of Dialogue talk is a larger ethical commitment. You are committing yourself, as well as encouraging the other, to speak in a way that’s safe. Dialogue Talk begins with the elements of descriptive language, because when you begin your sentences with “I” or “This is…,” you choose to put your thoughts out into the safe space between you rather than violate the other’s sense of self.
The Dialogue talk model shows you how to voice your perceptions, feelings and thoughts, and ask others to speak about theirs, in ways that create and sustain this safe space. Speaking to this space allows others to listen to you and stay connected when you talk. It invites them to give you the information you need to help them solve the problem that’s disconnecting you both. They can speak safely and give you “good information” – their relevant, truthful, complete, and clear perceptions, opinions, and understanding about “what’s actually going on.” Put your story out into the safe space between you, and they’ll reciprocate with their story. The whole truth will emerge.
Mindful Dialogue talk is the harder, but higher, road to effective communication because it compels you to take responsibility for your words and your self. It forces you to deal with reality right here, right now – with how things are rather than how you think they should be.
When you do choose Mindful Dialogue, you establish a safe space between you and the other, where you can always respond to their unspoken question – “Can I be treated as valuable, competent, and influential in this moment?” – with a resounding “Yes.”
Choosing Mindful Dialogue allows you to rise above the constant clatter of Control talk in your mind and life. You make the hard choice to avoid using criticism and contempt and instead offer respect and sustained connection in difficult moments. You demonstrate your ability to create the elusive state that everyone looks for – and needs to find – to be truly engaged in their relationships: trust!